"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Other

There was a time when I was young that I could look at myself in a mirror and be amazed at the intricacies of my eyes. As time went by, I lost that ability. I would look in the mirror and instead of seeing blue-green irises, I would see another entity inside me - a dark, mysterious force. Sometimes it seemed that I see that other girl staring back at me malevolently, her eyes flashing with malice and the corners of her lips pulled up in a small smirk. On the really bad days, I could feel her inside me. I could hear her inside my head. It seemed as if all my hurt and rage was concealed in her glare.

Now almost 25 years later, I can see her again. I can feel her in my mind. Since I have no real anger of my own, I guess it's saved up in this "other" I have created. She doesn't share my beliefs or my concern for others. She doesn't care about anyone or anything. She hates and despises the world because she can only see it through my cynical eyes. She has no hope and no vision. All she knows is rage.

Which of us is real? Is she a projection of my repressed anger or am I a projection of her repressed goodness? Why is she in my mind? Why can I feel her strength in my arms? Why can I hear her words coming out of my mouth?

Which of us is in control?

2 comments:

  1. My guess is you are, you are real, you are in control because, after all, you are the writer... "she" doesn't even know you exist. She's not real.

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  2. Been thinking of you so I'm checking in on you to see how you are doing.

    ReplyDelete