"Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat." - Mark Twain

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Carrying On

Where do I start when I have so many feelings? Where should the thoughts go and where should they end? I have no idea and so I'm just going to write as things come to me.

The hardest thing for me to accept right now is my lack of guilt. From what I've heard so many other mothers say, they'd gladly give their lives for their children. If I had been given a choice, perhaps I would have done the same. I feel as though I should have been the one to die instead of my son. I feel as though I should carry enormous guilt for surviving. The truth is that I do not feel guilty for being alive. My lack of guilt makes me wonder if my ability to feel is impaired or if perhaps there is something morally wrong with me. I suppose time will tell.

I can tell that anger is going to be an issue for me as well. It's already crystallizing against the "pro-life" people who, in fact, care nothing for life and seek only to exploit women in order to gain money and votes. Note that I'm not talking about people who genuinely care about women and children (born and unborn). I'm talking about the predators who lie and obstruct as much as they can to keep the problems going. These are the people who have no interest in solutions because they profit too much from the problem. I've always felt anger against them for their dishonesty and the harm they do. Now that anger is blazing and focused.

I've had more people praying for me in the past week than probably in the rest of my life combined. People I haven't talked to in years have popped up on Facebook with all sorts of well-wishing and prayers. I don't mind really. I feel rather insulated from all that. I'm actually glad that they confine themselves to such because I really don't feel like talking to anyone just yet. What is there to say, after all? I can recite the boring details of my days, my meds, etc. Who cares? And what is anyone going to say that can penetrate my heart? There's only one person who has access to that for now. I am so much like my father, especially in difficult times like these. I shut myself off - I appear like stone to the outside world. The longer I maintain that facade, the more likely I end up triggering a bipolar episode. I don't plan to do that this time but the more I have to talk to people, the more likely it will be. I just don't relate to most people and so I keep falling back on programmed responses. This tires me greatly. Just thinking about it now makes me tired.

I wonder if I'm supposed to have some sort of spiritual awakening now. Isn't that the way it works for some people? They go through a tragedy or have a near-death experience and then they "find God?" The entire time I was unconscious and dying, I did not see anything or anybody. I felt nothing. If death truly is the great nothing that I experienced, then I cannot possibly fear it. My family, being Baptists, believe that my son is automatically in heaven and that we will see him there when we die because we are all "saved." My future father-in-law believes that my son may be resurrected to live on the paradise earth and that if we would devote ourselves to his religion, then we might be resurrected as well. I don't argue with any of them - what's the point? I am not saved by either definition and likely will never be as long as my reason is intact. I have the horrible job of accepting the fact that my son is gone and there will never be a time or a place in which we will be reunited. I have no myths, no prayers, no hope to comfort me. There is only brutal reality, the harsh unfairness of life and death. Where does an atheist find comfort and hope? That's something I hope to explore here in the days to come. Until then, I am simply carrying on.....

4 comments:

  1. Through all this I too have felt like stone, trying to keep strong for you and be there in every way, but keeping my rage of emotions of our lose at bay is all i can do at this time. I have a re-found focus to take care of you in every way. I will never apologize for being so overbearing and trying to protect you from this pain. This pain I myself can not keep from hurting either of us. It is something we will survive and make it through together, that I promise you with every ounce of my being we will.

    I Love You, Heart,Body,Mind and Soul

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  2. My heart goes out to you. I lost my child. I wanted the world to be hit by an asteroid and be blown to bits. I hated having to maintain an existance I did not want to have.

    The difference is that I do have comfort. I am in no way Religous but I know that my daughter is still with me. After years and years I am finally at peace. Indisputable evidence that she exists and is aware of what is happening with me has convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that she has never left. Is life cruel? Yes. Is it as cruel as it seems? No. You will see your son again just as I will see my daughter. I am tired of explaining to people why I know what I do so I just don't anymore. I don't need to. But I was once as doubtful as you. There is hope. please don't give up.

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  3. JKS, you're the reason why I'm still here and I will be strong for you too. Although the pain is very great, I believe our love is stronger.

    Anonymous, thank you. I won't ask you to explain but I am glad that you have some comfort. I suspect I shall find it too in the days to come. As you can see, I have a wonderful companion who will walk this road with me. I also have some good friends and family who I can rely on. I just need to learn to accept help when it's offered and stop trying to carry all my burdens on my own.

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  4. "I wonder if I'm supposed to have some sort of spiritual awakening now."

    I rather think that I went the other direction. When you pray your ass off, and nothing ever gets any better, you've got to either rationalize god's repeated failures again each day, or you've got to give up on prayer. Besides, god lets incomprehensibly horrible things happen everyday to innocent children all around the world, so doesn't it seem a bit a stretch to think he would help you or me? But if he were willing to help you or me, why would other people's prayers make him more likely to do so? Even if I believed in god, I would still have serious issues with the way most believers view prayer.

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